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		<title>My laptop died. &lt;https://y.st./en/weblog/2017/07-July/07.xhtml&gt;</title>
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		<header>
			<h1>My laptop died.</h1>
			<p>Day 00853: Friday, 2017 July 07</p>
		</header>
<section id="to-do">
	<h2>To-do list</h2>
	<ul>
		<li>
			Acquire stuff for my new home:
			<ul>
				<li>
					A bed
				</li>
				<li>
					A dustpan
				</li>
				<li>
					A carpet broom
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Inform people that I&apos;ve moved
			<ul>
				<li>
					Relevant online accounts
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Finish stabilizing <a href="https://git.volatile.ch./y.st./include.d/releases">include.d</a> and put out another release (low priority)
		</li>
		<li>
			Clean up my apartment
			<ul>
				<li>
					<del>Clean up the living room</del>
				</li>
				<li>
					Clean up the kitchen
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Finish the library&apos;s &quot;bingo&quot; sheet (these tasks were typed verbatim, and include any mistakes and quirks present on the sheet handed to me)
			<ul>
				<li>
					Attend any library program
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book you found using Novelist. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					<del>Read a nonfiction title</del>
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a poem by Oregon Poet Laureate Elizabeth Woody
				</li>
				<li>
					<del>Read a book checked out from the Springfield Library (print, ebook, or audio)</del>
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a graphic novel
				</li>
				<li>
					<del>Read an author you have never read before</del>
				</li>
				<li>
					Get outside: read in a Willamalane park for one hour willamalane.org
				</li>
				<li>
					Browse the Gale Virtual Reference Library. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Build, draw, or make something based on a book that you read
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a science fiction title
				</li>
				<li>
					Share a book recommendation
				</li>
				<li>
					Read an award-winning book
				</li>
				<li>
					<del>Read a book from a library display</del>
				</li>
				<li>
					Suggest a library program you would attend
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a new book (published in 2016 or 2017)
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a young adult or children&apos;s book
				</li>
				<li>
					Read something funny and have a good laugh :)
				</li>
				<li>
					Look at the art in the City Hall Gallery. There&apos;s a new show every month!
				</li>
				<li>
					Volunteer for a couple hours at a community organization of your choice.
				</li>
				<li>
					Download one of the library&apos;s free apps or search in a database. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book that takes place in another country
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
	</ul>
</section>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		I noticed today that my laptop&apos;s power cord had overheated and fused to the machine.
		In a stupid attempt to fix the thing, I jostled it loose.
		That was a very bad idea.
		Now the thing won&apos;t charge at all.
		It looks like I haven&apos;t backed my data up in almost a year, either.
		I&apos;d gotten pretty good about it, backing up once each month, but lately ... not so much.
		I managed to pull some of my files from the machine as the power drained, but the file manager crashed, so I don&apos;t even know for sure if I managed to get the entire directory I was after.
		I also didn&apos;t have time to back up <strong>*any*</strong> of my home directory.
		I would&apos;ve headed to NextStep Recycling to get a new one today, but I had only two hours, and feared that wouldn&apos;t be enough time before work.
		I&apos;ve been meaning to replace the thing, as it&apos;s been functioning poorly and sometimes even freezing, but I keep putting it off.
		I didn&apos;t have time to go computer shopping, but then again, I <strong>*really*</strong> don&apos;t have time to be left without a computer as I am now.
		I can&apos;t move forward in <strong>*any*</strong> direction without one.
		Coursework?
		Requires a computer.
		Getting my telephone line set up?
		Requires a computer.
		Getting my business cards ordered?
		Requires a telephone number and a computer.
		Getting my <abbr title="Transport Layer Security">TLS</abbr> certificate set up?
		Requires a computer.
		Right now, I&apos;m pretty much boned, and not in the fun way.
		Without a computer, I&apos;d say I&apos;m going to be moving backwards, even.
		In addition to not being able to keep up with coursework, I can&apos;t keep up with my journal.
	</p>
	<p>
		I had only two hours before I needed to leave for work.
		I felt trying to make it to the recycling centre would be too risky.
		I might end up late to work, so I considered other options.
		After a bit, I reluctantly decided to try to set up my old server as a desktop system.
		If I got it set up, I might be able to install the desktop after figuring out how to use the command line interface to connect to a local Wi-...
		Oh.
		That&apos;s right, I accidentally gave away my Wi-Fi card.
		I can&apos;t connect to Wi-Fi with it.
		No desktop for me, but more importantly, no way to reach my coursework or anything else I need to reach.
	</p>
	<p>
		At work, I felt kind of conspicuous in my new rainbow pendant with interlocked male symbols.
		Honestly, no one cares I&apos;m gay.
		Well, aside from me, and I&apos;m kind of devastated about it.
		However, a tiny little charm on my neck doesn&apos;t make me stand out any more than I&apos;ve stood out in the past.
	</p>
	<p>
		Once I got home, the parent of the on-site property manager gave me a coffee maker.
		Nice?
		I don&apos;t really drink coffee, but it&apos;s the thought that counts.
		I might get some coffee to keep around for my infrequent all-night study sessions that come up when I don&apos;t use my time well.
		I might have one this week, seeing as I lost the first day due to catching up from the week before (due to the emotional issues of two weeks prior), losing the second day today because I have no computer, and losing the third day tomorrow due to needing to bike to Eugene to get a new machine.
	</p>
	<p>
		Without a regular computer, I took notes for today&apos;s journal entry on my mobile, so I could construct my entry later.
		The next day (tomorrow, from this entry&apos;s perspective), my mobile would freak out and delete my notes.
		It&apos;s a good thing I didn&apos;t write out the full entry on the mobile!
		I reconstructed my notes as best as possible from memory, but I&apos;ve probably left out a lot of events, seeing as I had a lot of notes I can&apos;t remember.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> could not be updated today due to technical difficulties.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="library">
	<h2>Library task list</h2>
	<p>
		Unable to do anything of importance or urgency, I used my time to finish reading that library book I borrowed.
		I came across a couple interesting facts.
		First, children start developing their gender at about age three.
		If I can figure out how I was at that period of my life, I can better assess whether I was supposed to make a transition to the other sex.
		I&apos;ll have to ask my parents about it when I have time.
		I need to consult <strong>*both*</strong> parents though, just in case one isn&apos;t honest.
		Second, transgender children have the highest suicide rate.
		I tried to kill myself a number of times as a child, I just was too cowardly to follow through at the time.
		This could be coincidence, or it could point to something.
		I&apos;ll know better once I ask my parents about my play habits around three to five years of age.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		An old memory resurfaced at work today.
		My mother used to beat me with a spatula as a young child.
		It&apos;s been so long that I&apos;d forgotten.
		It&apos;s no wonder I&apos;m so messed up.
		I&apos;d thought there was only verbal abuse, but there was physical abuse as well.
	</p>
	<p>
		I thought my logical side had my emotional side in check.
		However, it appears not.
		At work, I was hit by a wave of despair.
		I&apos;m going to die alone.
		I&apos;ll never find love.
		I&apos;ll never love and I&apos;ll never be loved.
		Why is life so terrible?
		I wish I was dead already.
		Wait, I do?
		I wish I was dead?
		Where did that come from?
		This was the worst I&apos;ve felt in my life though, as far as I can remember.
		I&apos;ve been suicidal before, but it&apos;s always been the case that I&apos;d rather be dead than be in my then-current situation.
		It&apos;s always been that if I could get past it, everything would potentially be fine.
		But now?
		This situation won&apos;t end.
		I&apos;m stuck with it until I pass away.
		I&apos;m nowhere near the point where I want to actually end myself, I was only feeling I wanted it all to be over.
		That is to say, I&apos;m not suicidal.
		Yet.
		However, the fact that I&apos;ve been suicidal in the past and it didn&apos;t feel as bad as this doesn&apos;t bode well.
		I should be able to continue on for quite a while to come, but if too many of these waves of despair hit me, I don&apos;t know how long I&apos;ll be able to resist them, especially if they continue to grow.
	</p>
	<p>
		This wave today was brought on I think by an instance of self-reflection.
		I&apos;m a terrible person now.
		I&apos;ve never liked the idea of marriage.
		In a way the two partners <strong>*own*</strong> each other.
		Owning someone and/or being owned is horrible.
		But now ... I came to realise that in my new state, I <strong>*want*</strong> to be owned by a man that loves me, and I <strong>*want*</strong> to exert ownership over him in turn.
		To be clear, my view on marriage hasn&apos;t changed in the least.
		I still view it as a binding contract of mutual ownership of one another.
		It&apos;s also not that I&apos;ll put up with what marriage is because of what it entails.
		Rather, it&apos;s this ownership aspect that I crave; both directions of it.
		What kind of monster am I!?
		It doesn&apos;t matter though, seeing as I won&apos;t find love anyway.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="university">
	<h2>University life</h2>
	<p>
		The school website is set up pretty screwy, so this term, I hadn&apos;t really checked my feedback from my professors yet.
		If JavaScript&apos;s enabled, the website is a huge pain to use.
		If JavaScript&apos;s disabled, there seems to be no link to the on-site inbox.
		I&apos;ve gotten a bookmark to the inbox set now though, so I can check feedback as I&apos;m alerted to it via email.
		I went through the feedback from past weeks.
		It seems one of my professors thinks my coding style is professional.
		Nice!
	</p>
</section>
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			If for some reason you would prefer to modify and/or distribute this document under other free copyleft terms, please ask me via email.
			My address is in the source comments near the top of this document.
			This license also applies to embedded content such as images.
			For more information on that, see <a href="/en/a/licensing.xhtml">licensing</a>.
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